Why Your Soccer Club Crush Should Be BVB

"Now anyone who has recently looked at a Bundesliga table is going 'Wait, hey Madi they're trailing Bayern Munich by an inhumane number of points and have sort of flopped domestically...' so what? That doesn't mean they can't play soccer that is sexier than Cristiano Ronaldo's Armani ads."

I admit it, I am having an affair on my beloved Borussia Moenchengladbach and even my true love FC Basel with the sexy brilliance of Borussia Dortmund.
Their football can't be put into words, and if you think it can, you're not giving it the due credit it deserves. Not only does each player on the team have mouthwatering skills and equally delicious aesthetic appearances, but together as a whole the entire team combines tactical brilliance with individual efforts to dazzle the audience- even if you're watching your team's defensive line be annihilated by the Gotze-Reus-Lewandowski collaborative unit.
It's disgusting, really. At times Lewandowski seems like an awkward third wheel just along for the ride while footballs most dynamic bromance, Gotzeus (brilliant) dance their way around a world class flat-back four but he is one is often there to clean up the messes that can be left behind by the young German players or can take the ball and embarrass defenders by himself. Don't even get me started on the gold mine of players that sometimes settle for the bench rather than the starting eleven. Julian Scheiber, Kevin Grosskreutz and Jakub Blaszczykowski are just a few of the supporting roles for Dortmund's main strike force. Like a hot knife cutting through butter, for lack of a better analogy, their attack makes any world class defense look like sorry school boys. Even the world class defenders found at Real Madrid, Ajax Amsterdam and Manchester City (as much as I hate to admit it) were left dumbfounded by this team that some ignorant pundits dubbed the Black Horse of the group stage. Black Horse? B*tch please, anyone with eyeballs and an appreciation for the beautiful game should have known that the German side were going to cruise right through the group stage of the Champions League with the quality they have up front.
Now anyone who has recently looked at a Bundesliga table is going "Wait, hey Madi they're trailing Bayern Munich by an inhumane number of points and have sort of flopped domestically..." so what? That doesn't mean they can't play soccer that is sexier than Cristiano Ronaldo's Armani ads. Munich are an incredible physical presence starting in the goal with the giant German Manuel Neuer. They are simply unstoppable- when you get that much mass moving it's hard to slow it down. Munich play incredibly direct football, but with Dortmund you never know what you're going to get. Unpredictable isn't necessarily the right word, for they can be predictable at the right times to lull their opponent into a comfortable rhythm before snapping. They'll go for several games in a row using nearly identical lineups and tactical strategies before suddenly doing a complete 180 (Real Madrid were a victim of this during the early Champions League matches- even The Special One Jose Mourinho's planning skills weren't good enough to forge a tactical plan good enough to destroy Dortmund). Right now the black and yellow Northwest German side is really only struggling defensively. Very rarely are Gotze, Reus, Lewandowski, Sahin, Scheiber, Blaszczkowski, Leitner, Kehl or whoever else they can pull off of their stacked bench all off and unable to find the back of the net. The only thing keeping them from total domination is a solid defensive line and possibly quicker transitions, but that's like saying that Starry Night could have been better had Van Gogh used a better value scale in the piece. It's irrelevant and it's a useless argument. Players and teams for generations to come will try to imitate what the boisterous, innovative and slightly neurotic soccer genius Jurgen Klopp is doing at Dortmund.
Whether or not they win the world's ugliest salad bowl that is the Bundesliga trophy thing, you can't deny the pure brilliance of Borussia Dortmund. Their soccer is new, exciting, tactically diverse and extremely sexy. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if some Dortmund fans reached states of physical arousal from their flawless passing, perfectly timed volleys and stunning free kicks. You never know what to expect from the team that is sexier than a Ronaldo Armani ad.